doubts

i've been away from the blog and i'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. i'm using my laptop wirelessly - a message just popped up to say that i only have 22 mins left.

much of my life while i was away was spent dreaming and thinking. both can be accomplished independent of the level of consciousness. but i realized that things change even when you hibernate, and life goes on with or without you. i feel a little lost here. i'm not sure whether i enjoy blogging as much as i once imagined it. sometimes, it (i.e. blogging) feels a little egoistic; like i have something important to say and the world has got to listen to me and most of the time, i feel like i'm such a drama queen - feeling something intense that turned out fleeting at most. well, i'm of two minds. as you can see, i'm still typing.

15 mins left. i got to wrap this up.

i've perhaps told my friends this - that i don't know why i'm here (like physically here) and recently i sorely miss the U S of A (knowledge of the new mozarella bar made things worse). but slowly i'm beginning to feel a little flutter, that being here is cultivating a lesson of patience - a lesson i never had while blazing through my twenties. stuck in a time-space continuum, life goes on stateside, but my life is here - moving at a really slow pace - and my brain is getting accustomed to this slow pace. and now my consciousness seems to understand why this slow pace is necessary. i may never have the chance to be patient, i may never reflect and relearn the path i've taken in such slow mo and now is the time it seems. to just take in deep breaths and learn deeply. to deconstruct a little, to dig and explore. to get my hands dirty, to take my head out from the clouds of materialism, to not chase the wind. and then who knows, i may then be a little more ready for some action - and like all whiny mortal souls, I may then be craving and wishing for my now slow-mo life.

6 mins remaining. i don't want to take any chances.

i'm publishing this. talk about instant gratification.

but if i hate this tomorrow morning, i'm taking it down.

xo,
exp