17 September 2008

Swing Swing

I have to admit that I have been feeling depressed off-late.

And somehow, after Exp's heartfelt post, I feel compelled to come clean.

The reason for my depression : M and I are not pregnant.

It seems so strange (and confusing at times) how getting pregnant is about the only thing I can think about. It's almost an obsession, and for a while, I believe that it's the only reason why I don't feel absolutely complete as a woman. Maybe I still feel incomplete as a woman and a wife, who am I trying to kid?

See, whilst all the married friends I thoroughly love and chill with have gone off and get married, they have the natural progression to re-paint their spare bedroom a shade of blue/pink, arguing over nappy cloths vs diapers etc. whilst awaiting the birth of their child(ren).

Me? I sort of feel like I've been left in the dust. Alone to fend for myself. I get sick to my stomach when anger creeps up on me, slowly eating me inside. How I question God's plan to fit me in His grand scheme of things.

Then there are times, I feel like I could conquer the world on my own. Fighting for the children of the world. Nights when I would sleep next to M, holding his hands, thinking that M is all I need at that moment to get through life and to the next phase of our marriage. Who needs/wants babies?

M and I do. We know our love and lives are ready. ~ Inspira


Sky said...

i've had that anger before. and it just hits me no matter how much i hate it and feel ashamed by it.

Inspira said...

How did you deal with the anger? I really feel awful, conflicted etc. All at the same time! Is this normal?