waiting for my emotions to catch up

i declared a holiday in my honor today. i was tired and needed to recharge. i spent my day reading about numerical optimization from a 1970's book (funny, people used to write better, clearer, more concise back then), met up with my kid sister - we went for a massage (it was so good, inspira, you have to try it, it's not too far from your office) that was less than US$20 and had dinner with my best friend. at the end of the day, i felt blessed. there are many things to thankful for: i have great sisters, a job i love, a soul mate for a husband, girlfriends who are honest and slow to judge.

my job environment may not be ideal - "whenever i groan and moan, i'd think about the assholes you have to work with" my best friend's words gave me a lot to grin about. i thought about the number of years we've been friends, how i went away for 6 years and yet we still have a lot to share between ourselves, how much longer we can be friends and then, i kind of feel helpless - a morbid sort of helplessness... that we are in our thirties now and you know, life is really short. i always feel this way when i think about E and my family or when i'm at my most peaceful.

E and I had a little chat today, we would probably have to be apart for longer than we've anticipated - i wasn't happy, nor was i sad and disappointed doesn't quite cut it. i don't exactly know what i'm feeling, i just want to be understanding and supportive. and strong for E. i guess, after a while, my emotions will find me and i will be able to tell you what i felt or will feel.

~ exp~