i wish i could do the same

i'm not sure what i'm feeling now...now that i'm not crafting an argument, nor standardizing math notation, now that i have the time to just be, be still, be worry-free, be "be" - the dreary notion of leaving E and C begins to creep up on me and engulf me - i got to be stronger than this, we got to be stronger than this.

E and I each began with our own journey on this lonely path of research and we find so much fun and comfort just walking together... now that i'm done, he has to walk alone while i take on another path - the hardest part is that we made that choice to walk alone again. it was our choice and now that reality is looming, we dread the inevitable. though together in spirit, it will not be the same as being readily available to each other within the mere square footage of our tiny apartment. the support i have received from him, i wish i could do the same for him when it's his turn to put himself out there for the powers that be to judge. he was with me at my most vulnerable. i just wish i am or will be what he is to me.

so i started a list of things to do - to keep moving while enjoying the last days here with E and C.

1. clean out considerable amount of closet space
2. create an outbox of things to bring to goodwill/salvation army
3. start packing (booo)
4. pack up my wedding dress in archival storage and mend all loose threads/buttons
5. print wedding pictures/albums for family & friends (guilty as charged, my newlywed status is expiring soon)
6. buy air ticket
7. apply for conference leave (i'll be back!)
8. bake scones for Ebaked cookies instead
9. cook and freeze meals for E
10. buy laundry detergent and bathroom cleaner
11. make a trip to rock paper scissors & little tree press in downtown and barn swallow out in the country
12. plan menu for our monthly-anniversary , a very special one :)
    ~ exp.